Silence is golden?

Husband is sleeping.  Haven't been on too much, as I don't want him to know about my community of support.  It's one thing that I don't have to share, so I don't intend to.  Since he's been out of work, except for a few odd jobs here and there, he is home ALL THE TIME!  For the most part, it's good.  Yesterday, not so much.  He met his half brothers and sister when he was 16.  Lost contact until about 2 years ago. We all went to dinner.  It was akward.  I'm extremely shy so I really strugle talking with strangers.  He went to a birthday party a week or so later, where they were talking about how disgusting overweight "chicks" were.  Yes, that hurt because I'm overwieght.  WAY overwieght.  He informed me that they were surprised to see him with somebody so big.  :'(  That hurt.   After seeing them 2 or three times, they stopped returning any phone calls and they lost touch again.  Soo....a few weeks ago one of his brothers finds him again.  They make plans to do lunch.  Husband tells me "I think it's just going to me the two of us. You don't mind, right?"  Well, of course I don't.  I have no desire to see them again.  Go, have fun.  Leave me here.  Saturday morning comes and they girls biological dad decides to pick them up for a few hours.  YES!  A couple of hours, just for me.  I start cleaning my kitchen when he comes up behind me to tell me he texted him to ask if he minded if I came. 

I told him not to worry about it, he needed to go an catch up, just them. I didn't want to interfere. Next thing I know, he's telling me that his brother is bringing his girlfriend and their baby, and we have to go.  I clam up (as I usually do when I get upset) and he starts to bug me about what's wrong.  So I tell him.  I don't want to go to lunch with this guy, who thinks I'm disgusting because of my wieght, who doesn't like me because of what I look like and doesn't care who I really am. I certainly don't want to eat in front of this guy.  It's akward and I was never even asked if I wanted to go! 

Yeah, well...wish I had sensitive husband at that moment.  Ideal response?  "I love you and I'm sorry he said that.  You don't have to go, he's a jerk and I think that you are the most beautiful person in the world.  I wish you didn't have to feel this way because of something some punk said."  Actual response?  "Why didn't you tell me before?"-you never asked  "I love you, but you are the only one who can do anything about the way you look.  If we want to lose weight we need to stop playing video games, get off the computer and do something about it."  -thanks a lot sherlock holmes, I thought somebody else could lose the weight for me!  I got dressed.  Screaming match at the gas station about how I 'should' feel, how I should have told him before, even though it really didn't matter because they weren't in his life anymore, about how I need to do something about it if I didn't like the way I looked.  Me yelling at him that I have a right to my own feelings, that I can hurt if somebody talks about me, and he shouldn't ask me questions if he doesn't want the truth.  40 minutes of silence before he says he wishes I would just talk to him and he's sorry.  I apologize.  Lunch goes good.

On to Best buy!  Things were great!  Then I told him that I did NOT want to buy the blue ray player.  Good deal, yes.  $70 we don't have, yep.  I forgot that he wanted to look at the tvs and walked the other way.  He gets grumpy saying "we'll just leave since you don't want to be here anyways"  I tell him it's fine, I just forgot.  We'll look at the tv's no big deal.  Then comes the 20 times of "what's wrong"  The last time I say nothing and he responds with a comment about the mornings argument.  40 minutes home of no talking, 2 hours sitting at home not talking, then a 2 hour church function of no talking.  He's fine today

It's just whatever now.  It's easier to not say a word.  He gets frustrated because I don't talk to him, but that's because he gets angry when I do.  I just hate days likek yesterday...

some changes are good

Husband is working!  It's not full time, but he's out doing something.  That puts him in better spirits because he's been feeling like a failure, being out of work.  Changed his nightime insulin too, so we will see what kind of results it will yeild. Humulog 70/30.  He says it caused lots of vomiting last timehe took it, but it's not happening this time.  In reality, I think it was more the fact that he would take it for a couple of days, stop for a week, and do it again.  He woke up with blood sugars in the 70's for a couple of days...it was around 180 yesterday morning.  Still too high, but definately much better the 220's and 230's.  We will give it some time.  He's been doing pretty good the last couple of days with his eating.  Still doesn't have a grasp on how much insulin to take for what he eats.  Guess that's what happens when you go so long without even trying.  But he hasn't been too grumpy.  Mainly just upset with his parents-but that's enough for a whole separate blog! lol  Praying this will be the time it sinks in and he gets his act together....

:)

I'm trying to work on a meal plan for my family.  We could all stand to eat healthier and I know that this is what will really help out with diabetes. So, I'm looking everywhere onlinefor 'menu plans'.  I'm not a very creative cook and dinners can get awful boring when I make the same foods the same way over and over again! lol

Moving on...my husband apologized for making me worry about him when he spent so much time in ICU in the beginning of our marriage.  He never truly understood how I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing him was.  He didn't see himself as bad off as we all knew he was and he felt that regardless, the girls and I would be better off if he wasn't in our lives.  Yes, he said he was sorry.  But did he truly apologize and mean it?  No.  Not until recently.  The reason?  I was put in the hospital.  I was daignosed with asthma when I was 12.  It's simply a fact of life.  I have an inhalor and a nebulizer.  I use them when I need them.  If the inhalor doesn't work the nebulizer does every time.  Except for last time.  I had been sick over one weekend.  Started on Saturday and quickly progressed. By Tuesday I was struggling breathing, but the nebulizer was helping.  Tuesday night is when it stopped helping.  Oh, it would help for about 15 minutes.  But then I would have to do another breathing treament.  I slept downstairs so I could continually use this loud machine without waking up my husband.  The next morning he left for work and I got the girls up for school.  (And let me tell you, taking that trip upstairs was the worst!)  Anyways, I drove them to school, came home, and called my doctor.  They told me to go in at 10 (about 2 hours later).  I should have told them what was going on, but I just waited.  Called hubby and told him I was going to the doctor, which worried him because I never go.  When my doctor checked my O2 levels, they were in the 80's.  86 or 87 maybe?  He was not happy and sent me to the hospital.  I tried to argue with him.  I did have a family after all.  A husband, and children who need me!  But he wouldn't listen.  Wouldn't even let me drive for fear of me passing out.  At least he let my mother-in-law drive me and didn't call the ambulance.  They didn't put me in ICU becasue they didn't have any empty beds.  But they talked a lot about putting me on a ventilator.  I was out of breath from talking. I think 83 was the lowest my oxygen levels were.  Who knew it was such hard work to breath!  So, what was wrong with me?  Severe asthma attack, bronchitis, pneumonia, and a partially collapsed lung.  I was there for almost a week constantly surrounded by doctors and nurses, every time my oxygen monitor started beeping I had an army running in my room...it was a long week.  Asthma can take a turn FAST.  I scared him because he thought he was going to lose me.  Is that what it will take for him to start taking care of himself?  I've never had an issue like this before, and it literally happened overnight. it happened because I got sick.  But his is because of years of noncompliance.  I can only pray that after seeing me in there, after the fear of not knowing what was happening with me and not knowing how long it would take me to regain my strength, maybe that will kick his butt into gear.  Maybe this is what it is going to take for him to take care of himself.  He was genuine when he apologized.  He actually understood, for once, my fears.  I'll let you know if it helps!!!   :)

Sooo...

I feel I need to share a little bit here...my children are happy and healthy.  My husband and I do NOT argue in front of the children and we support eachothers decisions.  If one of us feels the other is out of line, we will talk about it in another room.  They both have to realize that as parents, we provide a united front.  If we decide that a situation needs to be handled differently, then we approach them together and let them know that we've talked and things are going to be a little different than what we originally said.  I grew up in a house where my parents didn't argue in front of me even one time.  He grew up in a house where yelling was norm.  Neither one of us wants that for our children so we don't yell in front of them.  They are in no way verbally abused or neglected.  I get frustrated with him and need an outlet so this is my outlet.  99% of the time we get along great.  50% of the time I'm concerned about his diabetes and his health.  But 100% of the time he treats our girls like any other wonderful dad does.  Yes, it's too bad that they have to understand some facts about diabetes.  They also have to understand certain facts about asthma (because of me), their biological father is an ex alcoholic who is (supposedly) trying to quit drinking.  They have a depressed cousin, their best friends father is locked up in jail.  Unfortunately the world we live in is full of things that children at a young age have to deal with and encounter and learn about.  I know that a few of you reading my blog are worried about my girls, but please know that they are being well taken care of.  They are happy and treated great.  I will do anything I have to in order to protect them, but really they are ok.  I'm not upset about any comments, I just want it understood that they are not put in the middle of some horrible situation where I feel there is no way out.  I'm in a good marriage.  We are happy.  We both make the girls our world.  He just frustrates me sometimes.

>:- (

Where is my husband right now?  He is at his moms house, mowing her yard.  We have a baptismal service this evening and yes, the yard must be mowed.  Do I mind if he helps her?  No...that's not really what the problem is.  He is healthy enough to go outside and do yardwork.  She could use the help, because she suffers from her own share of medical problems.  So no, I'm not upset about him helping her.  Not exactly. But I AM uspet at this situation.  I'm sure his blood sugar was high when he woke up this morning.  Which means he didn't eat breakfast and probably didn't take any insulin since he would be physically active.  And while I don't really know what it was (if he even checked it) and I'm pretty sure it was high.  Before dinner last night his blood sugar drops to 45.  I get him oj to drink. Then I tell him we will wait 15 minutes and check it again.  So what does he do?  He goes into the kitchen and eats oreos.  How many?  I'm not really sure....at least 6.  I took his last cookie so try to stop him from eating it.  Success!  Well, until he got 2 more to make up for it.  I tell him that he needs to stop because we don't need to overcompensate.  He says "Well, I'm gonna have to take insulin anyways."  Every time it drops this is his mentality.  But I'm not even finished.  About 15 minutes after the oj we check again and its at 102.  So what does he think he should do?  Eat pretzels of course!  About 20 minutes later it's off to his parents house for dinner.  (And no, they do not understand diabetes at all.  They think that a type 1 with a pump is worse off than a type one who doesn't use a pump.  And since he doesn't use a pump they think he's not as bad off as others.)  They make a dinner of hamburgers and hot dogs, french fries, baked beans, and chips and dip.  Hmm....maybe we can add a few more carbs to dinner tonight?  How about it we have ice-cream for dessert!  Even better.  He doesn't eat in moderation-he enjoys his food.  Not sure if he ate before bed last night. I'm sure he did.  But anyways, back to what I was originally saying...

I don't mind if he helps.  This is what I mind.  He has been out of work for over a month.  He has helped clean the living room one time.  And he started a load of laundry once.  (As in put it in the washer and started it, left it for me to finish)  He's cooked probably 4 dinners.  Because of my husband and my girls, meals are necessary.  Breakfast lunch and dinner have to be prepared every day.  Sometimes breakfast is a bowl of cereal, often times lunch is a sandwich, but these meals HAVE to be prepared every day.  Laundy for 4 people.  Cleaning up the house, sweeping mopping vaccuming, cleaning bathrooms and bedrooms, taking care of the birds....all of these things have to get taken care of.  On top of me doing photos to bring in extra money.  So he asks-"what are we doing for lunch?  What's for dinner?  Have you washed the laundry because I can't find my basketball shorts.  You really need to mop the floors, when was the last time you did it?  How does the house get to be such a mess?  How long are you going to work on photos?  Are you about done yet?  Can we go to the store because I'm bored. I don't want to just sit around the house."  He wont help clean up after dinner, rarely takes out the trash.  Drops/spills things on the floors and refuses to pick them up because he doesn't see where they go.  And yes, he can see just fine.  If he can play the ps3 for hours and hours and hours (you get my point) a day, he can see food that he drops at his feet.  So my question is...why can you help your mom at her house but refuse to help me, your wife, at our home?  Don't you care?  Yes, I'm the stay at home mom, but guess what-you are too right now.  In fact, I'm actually earning alittle bit of money so YOU should be doing the household chores.  UGH!!!!!!

My Girls

A few days ago my husband was driving us to our storage unit to pay our bill.  We (myself, husband, and girls 7 and 8) were just going to spend the day runnig errands.  Maybe go to target and let the girls have an icee.  They are such good children and an icee is a special treat that is easy on my wallet :)  Anyways, on our way to storage his blood sugar drops.  He pulls into the parking lot and the sweating has begun.  They have dum dum lolipos inside, so in we go.  (I usually have glucose tablets in my purse, but lately I've figured out that he likes them, so he will eat them off and on like candy.)  He gets a lolipop, I pay the bills.  After lunch my oldest, who is only 8, asks my husband if his blood sugar dropped.  When further questioned, she said that he doesn't usually eat them unless his blood sugar is low and she just wanted to make sure he was ok.  So, on one side I think it's great that my daughter is so aware of the things going on around her.  On the other hand, this isn't the kind of thing she should be worried about.  She shouldn't HAVE to be aware of this.  Both of my girls learned at a young age how to call 911 and what to tell the operator if there was ever an emergency.  They both know where we have glucose tablets, they know that orange juice will bring up his sugar, and they ask him periodically how high his blood sugar is.  They know that if he starts to sweat for no reason, seems "out of it", looks like he will fall down (or does fall down), can't talk easily, or can't get up that he needs sugar and he needs it quickly.  They know that if he can't remember things, one of them will get sugar for him while the other calls 911.  (This is if I'm not home-99% of the time I'm home with them) It's a fact of life for my girls, and it's sad that this is the norm.  They do have a normal life otherwise.  They have friends, go out and play, have sleepovers...we have family nights, we go on vacations and have a good time.  While he has been too harsh with them at times, being a little too quick to hand out punishment instead of giving another chance, he's not abusive towards them.  (verbally or otherwise)  I know he loves them with everything in him.  They aren't his biological children but he's taken care of them since my oldest was only a year old, and my youngest was born.  He is there Daddy is every other sense of the word.  Like I said, it's a fact of life for them, something they've grown up with.  But it really bites that they have to know and understand this at such a young age.

It's time to be agressive

After reading a blog last night I've come to the realization that I'm way too passive.  Yes, there is only so much that I can do for my husband. Yes, I understand that he is the one who needs to step it up and do what needs to be done.  But I also realize that we are a team, and doing something alone is so very hard to do.  Maybe if I become more agressive, he will become more agressive.  Being diagnosed at 21 with juevenile diabetes must have been tough for him...his whole life was turned upside down.  But it's been six and a half years, and the adjustment period should be finished.  He shouldn't be happy with a bs in the 200's because "at least  it's not in the 300's" and he should know by now how to keep his blood sugars level.  But I suppose instead of being frustrated about how little he does, perhaps if I take a stand with getting this under control he will follow suit.  Thankfully he doesn't suffer from neuropathy.  And because his blood sugars always run so high, he is VERY aware when it drops.  I'm talking, at 95 he starts sweating and is weak.  He does, however, suffer from proliferative diabetic retinopathy.  But, whenever there is an active bleed that he is able to see, we just make a phone call to the ophthalmologist and schedule some more laser treatments to cauterize those blood vessels.  Unfortunately he lost his job just over a month ago-I'm a stay at home mom-so we don't have insurance.  This is not good for a diabetic.  But, I know that God will open a door soon.  Just wish I knew what that door was...

I think I've got it!

well, it's taken a while, but I guess I've figured out how to make a blog! :)  I found the blog of "Wife of a Diabetic" about a month ago, when my husbands bs dropped so low that he was unaware of who or where he was.  That's the worst it's ever been.  I was scared and was ready to call 911 when he finally started to come around.  So I thought I would search online to see just how common it was for diabetics to forget/be unaware of simple things.  Guess it's more common than I knew. I've been looking at these blogs for a little bit.  It certainly explains why he forgets things about what the girls are doing in school and just the basic things going on in our lives.  So I thought, hey, I can do one of these too!

Maybe some background information will help?  I'm 28 (almost 29!) my husband almost 28.  He was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes just a few months after we got married-the beginning of 2004.  They admitted him in ICU because his bs levels were over 700.  For the next few years he was admitted into the hospital ICU 1-2 times a year because he was vomiting blood, and dka.  The last time this happened in 2008 I had my brother-in-law take him to the hospital.  His parents met them up there, a few church members went up there as well.  After the er sent him to ICU (again!) his mom called to tell me.  My response?  "I'm not going up there.  I'm not going to watch him die, and my girls (4 and 5 at the time) are not going to watch him die."  This all happened in the morning, I went up to visit him for a short bit in the evening.  The nurse told me that she had no idea how he was still alive b/c of the keytones, her best guess was that his body has been in limbo with keytones for so long that it was used to it.  I told him I wasn't staying for this.  I told him that I wouldn't let my children watch him die and I would leave with them until he was ready to take care of himself.  I had a place to stay...it was in town, but he had no idea where it was.  We were ready to go.  I'm not sure if that's why he changed his mind, but he hasn't been hospitalized for diabetes since then.  Unfortunately he still doesn't take care of himself like he should. 

Guess that's all for now...I have so much to say and I don't know anybody who understands what it's like to live with a diabetic husband, but I know that you all do. I'll be posting again because just getting this off of my chest is wonderful.  Keeping up a blog will help to see how things change as things here change-I just pray they change for the better.