Sunday, July 17, 2011

Silence is golden?

Husband is sleeping.  Haven't been on too much, as I don't want him to know about my community of support.  It's one thing that I don't have to share, so I don't intend to.  Since he's been out of work, except for a few odd jobs here and there, he is home ALL THE TIME!  For the most part, it's good.  Yesterday, not so much.  He met his half brothers and sister when he was 16.  Lost contact until about 2 years ago. We all went to dinner.  It was akward.  I'm extremely shy so I really strugle talking with strangers.  He went to a birthday party a week or so later, where they were talking about how disgusting overweight "chicks" were.  Yes, that hurt because I'm overwieght.  WAY overwieght.  He informed me that they were surprised to see him with somebody so big.  :'(  That hurt.   After seeing them 2 or three times, they stopped returning any phone calls and they lost touch again.  Soo....a few weeks ago one of his brothers finds him again.  They make plans to do lunch.  Husband tells me "I think it's just going to me the two of us. You don't mind, right?"  Well, of course I don't.  I have no desire to see them again.  Go, have fun.  Leave me here.  Saturday morning comes and they girls biological dad decides to pick them up for a few hours.  YES!  A couple of hours, just for me.  I start cleaning my kitchen when he comes up behind me to tell me he texted him to ask if he minded if I came. 

I told him not to worry about it, he needed to go an catch up, just them. I didn't want to interfere. Next thing I know, he's telling me that his brother is bringing his girlfriend and their baby, and we have to go.  I clam up (as I usually do when I get upset) and he starts to bug me about what's wrong.  So I tell him.  I don't want to go to lunch with this guy, who thinks I'm disgusting because of my wieght, who doesn't like me because of what I look like and doesn't care who I really am. I certainly don't want to eat in front of this guy.  It's akward and I was never even asked if I wanted to go! 

Yeah, well...wish I had sensitive husband at that moment.  Ideal response?  "I love you and I'm sorry he said that.  You don't have to go, he's a jerk and I think that you are the most beautiful person in the world.  I wish you didn't have to feel this way because of something some punk said."  Actual response?  "Why didn't you tell me before?"-you never asked  "I love you, but you are the only one who can do anything about the way you look.  If we want to lose weight we need to stop playing video games, get off the computer and do something about it."  -thanks a lot sherlock holmes, I thought somebody else could lose the weight for me!  I got dressed.  Screaming match at the gas station about how I 'should' feel, how I should have told him before, even though it really didn't matter because they weren't in his life anymore, about how I need to do something about it if I didn't like the way I looked.  Me yelling at him that I have a right to my own feelings, that I can hurt if somebody talks about me, and he shouldn't ask me questions if he doesn't want the truth.  40 minutes of silence before he says he wishes I would just talk to him and he's sorry.  I apologize.  Lunch goes good.

On to Best buy!  Things were great!  Then I told him that I did NOT want to buy the blue ray player.  Good deal, yes.  $70 we don't have, yep.  I forgot that he wanted to look at the tvs and walked the other way.  He gets grumpy saying "we'll just leave since you don't want to be here anyways"  I tell him it's fine, I just forgot.  We'll look at the tv's no big deal.  Then comes the 20 times of "what's wrong"  The last time I say nothing and he responds with a comment about the mornings argument.  40 minutes home of no talking, 2 hours sitting at home not talking, then a 2 hour church function of no talking.  He's fine today

It's just whatever now.  It's easier to not say a word.  He gets frustrated because I don't talk to him, but that's because he gets angry when I do.  I just hate days likek yesterday...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

some changes are good

Husband is working!  It's not full time, but he's out doing something.  That puts him in better spirits because he's been feeling like a failure, being out of work.  Changed his nightime insulin too, so we will see what kind of results it will yeild. Humulog 70/30.  He says it caused lots of vomiting last timehe took it, but it's not happening this time.  In reality, I think it was more the fact that he would take it for a couple of days, stop for a week, and do it again.  He woke up with blood sugars in the 70's for a couple of was around 180 yesterday morning.  Still too high, but definately much better the 220's and 230's.  We will give it some time.  He's been doing pretty good the last couple of days with his eating.  Still doesn't have a grasp on how much insulin to take for what he eats.  Guess that's what happens when you go so long without even trying.  But he hasn't been too grumpy.  Mainly just upset with his parents-but that's enough for a whole separate blog! lol  Praying this will be the time it sinks in and he gets his act together....

Saturday, July 2, 2011


I'm trying to work on a meal plan for my family.  We could all stand to eat healthier and I know that this is what will really help out with diabetes. So, I'm looking everywhere onlinefor 'menu plans'.  I'm not a very creative cook and dinners can get awful boring when I make the same foods the same way over and over again! lol

Moving husband apologized for making me worry about him when he spent so much time in ICU in the beginning of our marriage.  He never truly understood how I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing him was.  He didn't see himself as bad off as we all knew he was and he felt that regardless, the girls and I would be better off if he wasn't in our lives.  Yes, he said he was sorry.  But did he truly apologize and mean it?  No.  Not until recently.  The reason?  I was put in the hospital.  I was daignosed with asthma when I was 12.  It's simply a fact of life.  I have an inhalor and a nebulizer.  I use them when I need them.  If the inhalor doesn't work the nebulizer does every time.  Except for last time.  I had been sick over one weekend.  Started on Saturday and quickly progressed. By Tuesday I was struggling breathing, but the nebulizer was helping.  Tuesday night is when it stopped helping.  Oh, it would help for about 15 minutes.  But then I would have to do another breathing treament.  I slept downstairs so I could continually use this loud machine without waking up my husband.  The next morning he left for work and I got the girls up for school.  (And let me tell you, taking that trip upstairs was the worst!)  Anyways, I drove them to school, came home, and called my doctor.  They told me to go in at 10 (about 2 hours later).  I should have told them what was going on, but I just waited.  Called hubby and told him I was going to the doctor, which worried him because I never go.  When my doctor checked my O2 levels, they were in the 80's.  86 or 87 maybe?  He was not happy and sent me to the hospital.  I tried to argue with him.  I did have a family after all.  A husband, and children who need me!  But he wouldn't listen.  Wouldn't even let me drive for fear of me passing out.  At least he let my mother-in-law drive me and didn't call the ambulance.  They didn't put me in ICU becasue they didn't have any empty beds.  But they talked a lot about putting me on a ventilator.  I was out of breath from talking. I think 83 was the lowest my oxygen levels were.  Who knew it was such hard work to breath!  So, what was wrong with me?  Severe asthma attack, bronchitis, pneumonia, and a partially collapsed lung.  I was there for almost a week constantly surrounded by doctors and nurses, every time my oxygen monitor started beeping I had an army running in my was a long week.  Asthma can take a turn FAST.  I scared him because he thought he was going to lose me.  Is that what it will take for him to start taking care of himself?  I've never had an issue like this before, and it literally happened overnight. it happened because I got sick.  But his is because of years of noncompliance.  I can only pray that after seeing me in there, after the fear of not knowing what was happening with me and not knowing how long it would take me to regain my strength, maybe that will kick his butt into gear.  Maybe this is what it is going to take for him to take care of himself.  He was genuine when he apologized.  He actually understood, for once, my fears.  I'll let you know if it helps!!!   :)